Give the Lord first place
When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, he began with these words, “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3).
He knew that if we made our relationship with him the highest priority, he would bless our lives and we would be a blessing to others through our interpersonal relationships.
The main problem with codependency is that it violates the core of the first commandment. In a codependent relationship, you allow someone else to take the place that only God should occupy in your heart.
Are you allowing someone else to be your “god”? If you have wrongly placed your dependence on someone else, you will not have the peace of God and peace with God. But if you put the Lord first and live each day depending on him, then you can experience God’s peace even when others are not at peace with you. That is one of the reasons why the Lord tells us:
“You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3)
“How do I know if I am facilitating a codependent person?”
You are facilitating a codependent if they are facilitating another person’s destructive behavior and preventing them from suffering the painful consequences that would actually serve to motivate them to change.
- A permissive father does not let his drug addict’s son pay the consequences of his addiction.
- The facilitator wife calls her husband’s boss to tell him that he is sick when in fact he still hasn’t gotten over the previous day’s drunkenness.
Ask yourself the question: “How many lies have I told to protect the reputation of the person who has a destructive habit?”
“Whoever says to the wicked: You are just, the peoples will curse him, and the nations will hate him.” (Proverbs 24:24)
“Why am I still enmeshed in codependent relationships? I wonder if it is possible to get rid of them and be independent?
When two people enter a codependent relationship, each has their own story of being abandoned or controlled. First, recognize how much you fear being abandoned, and accept how much you resent being controlled.
When your relationship is intense and unstable, full of conflict and chaos, and with repetitive cycles of “come back” and “go away”, you are stuck on a roller coaster of codependency. Maybe you feel like you can’t get off that mountain that won’t stop. But that’s not true, because…
“With God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26)
Codependency and the five stages of child development
- The impotence stage
If his parents did not meet his needs when he was a child, he may have become an “empty” adult inside, as if he had an empty space in his heart.
- The stage of freedom
If his parents didn’t give him freedom growing up, maybe he is now an adult who manipulates others to satisfy his need to control others.
- The conflict stage
If as a child he did not learn healthy ways to resolve conflicts, he may have become an adult who does not know how to solve the problems he faces in his interpersonal relationships with other adults.
- The stage of independence
If his parents didn’t give him the affirmation he needed as a teenager, he may be an insecure and emotionally deprived adult who relies on others for security.
- The sharing stage
If in adolescence you did not have a healthy model of mutual help between your parents, or did not have examples of how to help others in a sacrificial way, perhaps it is in a self-centered adult who develops unequal relationships to acquire a sense of significance.
Confront your codependency
- Confront the fact that you are a codependent person. (James 5:16)
- Confront your “secondary addictions”. (Proverbs 18:15)
- Recognize that the effort to hide the emotional pain of a codependent relationship is causing other addictions.
- Confront your current codependent relationship. (Psalms 51:6)
- Confront the conflicts that codependency has caused you. (2 Timothy 2:23)
- Confront your codependent reactions. (1 Peter 3:9,15,16)
- Confront your need and goal to build mature, non-codependent interpersonal relationships. (Hebrews 6:1)
Key verse to memorize
“Well, do I now seek the favor of men, or that of God? Or do I try to please men? For if he still pleased men, he would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
Key passage to read and meditate
Follow the path of interdependent relationships
Every inexperienced child has the ability to grow to maturity. Why can’t adults also reach maturity? Yes, you can change your immature relationships for mature relationships.
- That your goal is to develop an intimate relationship with God and form interdependent relationships with significant people in your life. (Hebrews 10:25)
- Make a plan to reach maturity in all your personal relationships. (James 1:4)
Conduct. (1 Peter 1:13-15)
- Write a new job description. (Job 27:6)
- My job is to take care of myself and be responsible for myself without hurting, punishing, attacking, taking revenge or lying to myself or others.
- Make a promise to yourself. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- I will get rid of the egotistical “old self” as I develop my Christocentric “new self”.
“Do not fear, because I am with you; do not dismay, because I am your God who strives for you; I will always help you, I will always uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).
Follow the path of freedom
You can begin your “road to recovery” by letting go of your desire to control or change the person you love.
Recognize that you are codependent on that person and choose to become dependent on God. (Deuteronomy 6:5)
Examine your behavior patterns that are a product of your codependent thoughts. (Psalms 51:6)
Break free from the mindset that drives you to be “super responsible.” (Exodus 18:17,18)
Grant forgiveness to those who have hurt you. (Colossians 3:13)
Take ownership of his identity in Christ. (2 Peter 1:3,4)
Set healthy limits. (Proverbs 27:12)
Change your emotional focus to a spiritual one. (John 16:33)