How to Help Children Who Are Too Hard on Themselves

Strategies to help self-critical children who tend to talk bad about themselves

I hear kids say negative things about themselves all the time: “I’m so stupid!” “Nobody likes me.” And of course: “I’m fat.” Or “I’m ugly.” Sometimes those comments are a kind of hooks in search of comfort. They can be harmless. But what experts call negative self-talk can also reflect an unhealthy tendency in children to think the worst of themselves, and that can lead to (or signal) something more serious.

What is internal dialogue?

Self-talk is essentially our inner monologue, explains Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. It can be a way to narrate what is happening around us, to practice language, and to guide ourselves through a task.

While self-talk is often constructive, it can also be the opposite. We all behave in a self-critical way from time to time, and it is not a cause for urgent concern. But it’s helpful to discuss why your child might be talking bad about himself, and when it might reflect a problem.

Generalizations

Children often make statements about themselves that reflect “all or nothing” thinking, explains Lisa Brown, PsyD, a private psychologist and psychologist at the Rodeph Sholom Day School in New York. This occurs for example when a child does not do well in a soccer game and says: “I’m lousy at soccer!”. If this kind of thinking persists, she says, “it can affect the way kids think and feel about themselves in general.”

Perfectionism

“Kids who set unattainable high standards for themselves, says Dr. Brown, are prone to negative self-talk.” These perfectionists can be so hard on themselves that they burn themselves out trying to reach their goals.

Too cool for school

Sometimes self-deprecating phrases like “I’m going to fail that test” or “I’m so fat” can be a form of social protection. For older children, in particular, “the social sphere becomes really important,” says Dr. Busman. In certain social circles, being smart may not be considered popular or “cool,” and obsessing over appearances may be a way of fitting in with popular kids. Or perhaps the child is trying to win others over by being the first to make negative statements about himself.

Draw attention

“Sometimes, says Dr. Brown, children can have negative self-talk out loud, in an attempt to manipulate others or in an effort to get attention.” For example, a child may try to make her parents feel bad by saying that he is a horrible child who deserves to be punished.

Lack of resilience

In some cases, self-critical thinking can be an indicator of a lack of resilience, or “determination,” as some psychologists call it. “If children regularly respond to disappointments with negative self-talk out of proportion to the specific disappointments, says Dr. Brown, this can lead to avoidance of certain experiences, as well as a lack of motivation to persevere in the face of difficulties.” .

Harassment or bullying

When a child is being bullied, they may easily begin to internalize the insults directed at them. Shawna Palomo, mother of a 17-year-old girl, says her daughter’s negative self-talk began when she was 13 years old. “They made fun of her,” Shawna recalls. “After a while, she started to believe all the bad things her classmates were saying about her. She was always saying how ugly she was.” Her daughter complained that her lips and nose were too big, her hair too curly. “It’s hard to watch your daughter fight those demons,” Shawna laments.

When to worry

When negative self-talk occurs in isolation, it is natural and not a cause for concern. But it can also be a sign of low self-esteem, a learning disability, anxiety, or depression. Dr. Busman lists a few signs to look out for:
• Negative self-talk is persistent and pervasive.
• It is not based on reality. For example, her son is invited to a playdate, but she still says that no one likes him. Or, even though she always gets A’s on her spelling tests, he’s still anxious thinking he’s going to fail.
• It is affecting the child’s relationships or school work.
• Your child’s eating and/or sleeping habits have changed.
• she Persistently says vague phrases such as “I don’t feel well” without physical symptoms.
Shawna noticed many of these signs in her daughter as her negative self-talk led to depression. “She didn’t care about her appearance, then she went to the other extreme where her appearance was the only thing that mattered to her. she did not do her homework